Breastfeeding (and the fear of failure)
I don't think I was prepared for just how tough breastfeeding could actually be, especially after a c section and a baby with tongue tie. I was already heading into motherhood with many fears and reservations, I didn't take breastfeeding into account of something I could struggle with.
I was quite lucky with Little Lamb that feeding wasn't painful, however with his tongue tie it was very hard to get him to latch deeply and find a good position to hold him with the pain from my section wound. With bottle feeding at least you are able to see how much they are actually getting, with breastfeeding you just have to trust your body and make sure they are putting on weight.
It took days for my milk to come in after he was born, I remember the midwife at the hospital wanting to give him formula if he didn't get a good feed soon. I was having trouble with his latch which didn't seem quite right and I expect that didn't help with encouraging my milk to come. It also didn't help that he had so much mucus to cough up in the early days. The fear that I was failing him was immense. I pleaded with myself to start producing milk, and it finally took 3-4 days for it to happen, then it finally did! I felt full, sore and leaking everywhere.
Now we had a new set of problems; the milk was too fast and with his bad latch, LL was choking on the milk. He would often come off to breathe. What was I doing wrong? The latch didn't look like all those pictures on the internet.
Breastfeeding took over my every waking thought. Is he getting enough? Is he hungry? I wanted to do the right thing for my baby, why can't I get it right? I read everything I could on the internet and looked around for any local support. I called the National Breastfeeding Helpline and had a call back from my local breastfeeding support worker who came out to our house. She checked his weight, helped me with different positions, checked his latch and his tongue and finally suggested he was tongue tied, albeit a posterior one.
After the referral was made, LL was 7 weeks by the time he saw the surgeon. I headed to the appointment expecting a fight to cut his tongue tie as I was told they don't often cut posterior tongue tie because it is not overly obvious. This however was not the case. I was asked to sit in the chair with LL on my lap and not before my bum cheeks had settled on the seat, the surgeon was looking in his mouth and immediately cut the tie! I was still in shock as LL burst out in tears. There was no blood but I think he was surprised by the ordeal (I know I was). I quickly began feeding him that was suggested to help and he calmed down right away. That was that; the surgeon said we were all done and left the room to see the next patient.
Luckily in my area we have a weekly Breastfeeding Support Group and it was run by the breastfeeding support worker who came out to see me. I was told it could take weeks for his latch to get better after the tie was cut. I kept an eye on his weight at these sessions, but his latch didn't improve. I tried everything and anything suggested, from taking him off to relatch over and over to the flipple technique.
Months went by, his weight gain was steady but his latch never improved. I felt like it was my fault. I was told I was doing great, he was putting on weight and he was healthy, but it wasn't "perfect" in my eyes, so I was failing him. It took a long time to really relax into the feeding, but at no point did I want to stop. I had to focus on the facts; he is putting on weight and he is happy.
Fast forward to now and we are now at 1 year. a whole year of breastfeeding. I never thought we would get this far, but we have. It was tough, I was often in tears and constantly worrying about feeding, but if I could go back, I wouldn't do it differently. The close cuddle and bonding time between baby and me is irreplaceable. When he was upset, nothing settled him like milk and a cuddle. Those snoozy night feeds curled up in bed was just bubba and me time. Now LL is of course on 3 meals a day so doesn't rely on my milk, but he does like a snoozy feed for a nap and before bedtime. Breastfeeding isn't the be all and end all - some people can't or choose not to - but it helped cement that bond I was scared wouldn't come.
The local ongoing support I received was invaluable to my breastfeeding journey. If you are reading this and are having issues or worries about feeding, make sure you look for local help. Here are some handy links:
Le Leche League
National Breastfeeding Helpline
Kellymom
